For several months (okay, more like eight months) I have been debating if I should share this or not. It isn’t directly about Moco and Bubba, but it’s funny how things work out and (ultimately) affect them. I didn’t know if I wanted to share these thoughts here or keep them private, but I’m taking a chance and putting it out there. It’s long, so bear with me…
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Back in the middle of January, I said a prayer for clarity before I went to bed. I guess I was basically praying that my head wouldn’t continue to spin to the point of practically flying off my body. The beginning of the semester is always busy at work, added to getting the kids back into a routine after a couple weeks of winter vacation, plus R’s job, and kids’ activities, etc… and it can just be chaotic trying to get it all done well, or done right, or just done! Anyhow, that night I asked that I might get through the chaos and start to put things in order, as to not feel so overwhelmed.
I quickly fell asleep, but before I woke up in the morning, I had a dream:
I was coloring in a solar system activity book when I flipped to a page with tons of dots randomly scattered across the page. Basically, the “activity” required poking holes in the dots to make a picture. As I did so, the dots aligned themselves to create a solar system.
When I flipped to the back side of this page, there was a close-up scene of stars, planets and spaceships. This time, I punched out the planets and spaceships and created a page that was like a stencil. When I laid the page on a blank piece of paper, I could trace the stencils and color the pictures however I wanted. Mine were bright, colorful and detailed.
There were also numbered stars, like connect-the-dots. As I was connecting the dots, dot #23 triggered something in the mind of my dreaming self — something that made me a little anxious, like I had forgotten to do something. A memory was triggered — one that involved the cast of the movie Ghostbusters. Well, really it was just Dana Barrett, “The Gatekeeper”. Instead of coloring, it was as if I was watching a scene unfold before me, as if I were an outside observer.
Dana was frantic about getting a message to Peter (Dr. Venkman!) who was apparently on the Hubble Space Telescope. She kept asking people on a busy street in New York City to assist her in getting this message to Peter, but everyone kept telling her to wait, or that it wasn’t the right time, or that there wasn’t a way to get him the message yet. She stepped away from the crowds and said, “I know how to get the message to him. He told me.”
She knew a special corner that allowed for direct messages to Peter. It was a quiet street corner, at the end of an alley. As she stood there, the skies opened up, like a hatch with doors that dropped down towards Earth. Wind was swirling from the hatch, and she put her arm straight up, holding a note in her hand, and let it go. It was sucked up the hatch, straight to Peter. As she stood there, calming down from her anxious attempt to get this message off, the hatch doors didn’t close — and she was sucked up into that portal.
In the dream, I realized that I was watching a movie with the kids, and I heard Moco ask, “Mom, is this part scary?” and I replied, “I don’t remember.” This wasn’t anything like the movie Ghostbusters I remember, so I was confused yet totally engrossed in the scene playing out before me.
On the other side of the hatch, we watched as Dana moved across the screen in slow motion, almost like she was moving through a tunnel filled with corn syrup — something clear and thick. We could see her breathing (small air bubbles forming from her mouth), and she looked slightly terrified and confused. As she moved across this tunnel, we could see a scene starting to form in the background, so we knew she was moving towards something, but it was hard to see to the other side through the syrup. There was something at the end because if it were a movie, it couldn’t possibly end with her in this tunnel of syrup without any resolution.
Then suddenly, it cut to Dana sitting in a living room — a cozy, lived-in seating area with old-fashioned floral wall paper with framed family pictures all over the walls. She was sitting in an arm chair with her legs tucked up under her, wrapped in a blanket, kinda weary and dazed but relieved to be there. An older woman (her mother or mother-in-law) brought her a cup of coffee, and told Dana that Peter knew she was there, but he was working. Dana said, “Good. I’m not going back.”
At that point, in real life, I woke up from the dream only because R’s cell phone was ringing. It was about 8am on Saturday morning. As I lay there thinking about the dream, I felt really calm, and the following words popped into my head: “We’re leaving. We’re not going back, and it’s going to be okay.” At that point, I’m not sure that I understood what the answer meant, but whatever it was — it felt right.
All day, I couldn’t stop thinking about parts of the dream: solar systems, connecting the dots, the number 23, sending messages, going and not coming back, moving slowly through time, that cozy living room. They just kept rolling through my head over and over again. What does it mean? Later that day, the kids and I were talking about a bunch of things, including prayers and dreams. I pulled out the laptop and typed “23″ into Google Search. Michael Jordan. The Jim Carrey movie, The Number 23. The significance of 23 in the TV show Lost. The 23 enigma. The number 23 in math, in science, in religion. Psalm 23.
Psalm 23.
If you know me, you know that I have been exploring my faith for a number of years, and within the past few years, I have really started to develop stronger beliefs. While I have spent time reading parts of the Bible, I am not very familiar with it yet… so I pulled up Psalm 23 online:
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
I started crying as I read it. I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me… Psalm 23 was the message in my dream, but it was also part of the answer in my head when I woke up.
Later I pulled up this article as I was looking into more interpretations of this particular psalm:
“David says, by way of example, in Psalm 23, that there is a constructive, God-honoring way to respond to anxiety in our lives. He says that we should trust God as the good and faithful Shepherd and rejoice in His grace… God will provide confidence as to what He’s doing in your life. He will convince you, as He did David, that it is He who is leading your life, He is the One who is in control of all the details and circumstances. This will lead to greater peace and a knowledge that ‘we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.’”
I’m not trying to preach or proclaim my faith in this post. This isn’t something I talk about often (or really at all) or with other people. I’m pretty sure this is the first time that I have referenced anything about religion in my family’s life on this blog. I bring this up because this dream sequence and its symbols have played through my head for the past few weeks (okay, months)… and themes keep re-emerging in real life that seem connected to the dream as well.
Remember how I woke up from that dream because the phone was ringing? R didn’t answer the phone right away, since we were still in bed. The caller was a football coach, and he was calling to ask R to interview for a position in Tulsa.
“We’re not going back, and it’s going to be okay.”
I had the answer before the question had been asked.
R left for Tulsa within 48 hours of the phone ringing. Those two days, plus the few days that followed in anticipation of a possible job offer, were somewhat agonizing. We had a lot of discussions, some very difficult and emotional conversations, about what we were going to do. The whole time, I felt oddly calm despite the complexity of these conversations — because I knew the answer. I told R that I would support whatever he decided. I felt like I was questioning my own sanity, waking up with answer before even having the first conversation.
R kept leaning towards staying. I was okay with that, too. But when Coach B called with an offer, I was in the room and could hear every word. As I watched R having the conversation, I felt an incredible urge to scream, “JUST TAKE IT!” It honestly felt like the words were trying to jump from my throat to R, and it surprised me. I swallowed hard — it wasn’t my voice that was trying to escape. This is perhaps the second time that I have felt this “voice” in me. It feels really awkward to say it publicly, but I know it’s true: “God will provide confidence as to what He’s doing in your life. He will convince you, as He did David, that it is He who is leading your life, He is the One who is in control of all the details and circumstances.”
I sat there, a little stunned. I didn’t know what to say or do. I just knew that taking that job was the right thing to do, even though we had just had a conversation minutes before that we were going to stay. R told Coach B that he needed to talk more about it with me, but honestly, neither of us knew what to talk about — so we slept on it.
The next morning (Friday), R called me at work and said, “I’m going to take it.” He proceeded to tell me that he had just gotten off the phone with Uncle Danny, who told him that he had been praying for someone to come into R’s life. Uncle Danny told R to take the job. All I could think was, “Connect the dots…”
That is not to say that this decision was easy. We both had buyer’s remorse almost immediately. It was more emotional AFTER he made the decision than leading up to the actual decision! It was rather overwhelming to comprehend all the things that were going to happen in our lives — selling the house, finishing the school year, quitting my job, finding a job, finding Mariah a place to live. In the back of my head, I kept playing that phrase over and over in my head: “We’re leaving. We’re not going back, and it’s going to be okay.” I’ll be honest, neither of us slept well after he made the decision — both of us questioning if we had just made the wrong decision. I cried A LOT in the 48 hours after he made the decision. I’m not a typically an overly emotional person, but the tears just wouldn’t stop!!! It was ridiculous how much I cried especially because there wasn’t really a good enough reason to be crying…
R and I had a brief, yet very important, discussion that following Sunday afternoon that led to some major decisions as we move forward in this new chapter of our lives. It’s one that takes all five of us into consideration, but also requires that we each make some sacrifices to make this work. It is, quite honestly, perhaps the biggest the decision that we have made together as a family, because the kids and Mariah have roles in this as well. But even more than that, it was almost too easy! As soon as the words were said, we knew it was the right decision. The tears stopped almost immediately. Clarity.
So… the kids and I will stay in Illinois. We know it will likely take some time to sell the house, and it’s not ready to go on the market yet (i.e., it needs to be cleaned and organized!). We made a commitment to Mariah to provide her with a place to live while she went to school, to reduce the cost of attendance, and we’re going to honor that commitment. Also, I love my job, and I’m not ready to leave yet — we’re just getting started with so many new changes and initiatives. It just doesn’t feel right to quit now.
We’re poking holes and building a scene. The outline has been stenciled, and we’re making our pictures with bright, vivid colors. Getting there may be a slow process, like moving through corn syrup, but it’s a clear tunnel that allows us to see what’s happening as we’re getting closer. Before long, we’ll get to our cozy living room at the other end of the tunnel. And the number 23 will trigger a message and a reminder to me to have faith and to trust that we’re being guided on this journey, despite so many unknowns.
R left for Tulsa at the end of January. I really thought I would cry at the airport, but I didn’t. Things keeps popping up that confirm for me that we made the right decision… and I keep seeing parallels and connections between my dream and real life. I take comfort in these signs, and they help me continue to stay positive. My faith is strengthening each day, and it feels good to take comfort in and draw strength from that. I feel calm every day, that we can handle this, even though there are moments when I want to pull my hair out.
By the way, tonight I looked at the calendar, and I noticed something. That Sunday afternoon when we had a pivotal conversation that brought clarity to our situation? It was on January 23.
Please excuse the squinty pictures! It was a very beautiful, sunny morning — a perfect day for a new school year!
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